Funny Sayings

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

I stopped fighting my inner demons, were on the same side now.

Well-behaved women rarely make history

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong

He who laughs last, didn't get it.

We live in an age where pizza gets to your home before police.

"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house."

"Cheese… milk's leap toward immortality."

Horse sense is a good judgment which keeps horses from betting on people.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, age don't matter.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are Footprints on the moon…

The sex was so good even the neighbors had a cigarette.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. - Mark Twain

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

The road to success is always under construction.

If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives.

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Death is hereditary.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

"You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough."

"He's so optimistic he'd buy a burial suit with two pairs of pants."

"Half of the people in the world are below average."

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."

"It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility!"

"Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent."

"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't."

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."

"Constipated People Don't Give A crap."

"Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you 30 cents?"

"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday."

"Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy."

"A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice."

"Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own."

"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle."

"Ham and eggs - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."

"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."

"When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing".

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

If you can’t live without me, Why aren’t you dead yet?

I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.

It is a damned poor mind indeed that can't think of at least two ways of spelling any word.

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on.

Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.

I get enough exercise pushing my luck.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather … Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I’ve ever made.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.

Beauty is a light switch away……………..

Evening news is where they start by saying “Good Evening” and proceed by telling you why it’s not.

there are three kinds of people in this world those who can count and those who cant

when life hands you lemons make lemonade and find someone eles who life handed them vodka and have a party

if Barbie is so popular then y do we buy her friends and boyfriends?

“GOD created the world, everything else is made in china.”

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.

why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections.

Practice doesn't make perfect. Perfect practice makes perfect.

Change is good, but dollars are better.

How is it that “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?

1492: Native Americans discover Columbus lost at sea.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs harder

everyone hates me because I'm paranoid

Solution to 2 of the world’s problem. Feed the Homeless to the hungry.

You laugh because I’m different…I laugh cause I just farted!

whoever said nothing is imposible, never tried slamming a revolving door!!!

Those who throw dirt only lose ground

You never truly understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother

Error. No keyboard. Press F1 to continue.

Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most, live the longest

hey occifer i swear to drunk im not as god as you think i am

This sentence is a lie.

Men are like parking stalls. All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped!!

Silence is golden but duck tape is silver

When life gives you melons… you might be dyslexic !

There’s no I in Team, yeah but there is in WIN

Those who criticize our generation seem to forget who raised it!

Man who goes to bed with an itchy butt … wakes up with a stinky finger!

Children in the back seat cause accidents… accidents in the back seat cause children!

The only good thing about going bra-less at my age is that it pulls the wrinkles right out of my face.

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air-freshener.

Accomplishing the impossible only means that the boss will add it to your regular duties.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss's job.

Employer: "I'm looking for a part time Girl-Friday. Are you interested?"

Applicant: "No, thanks. I'm all girl seven days a week!"

Funny Quotes and Sayings

Funny Quotes and Sayings Pictures

That awkward moment when you make a noise from your mouth and somebody thinks it was a fart. --- Keeven_Cable

Girls are like computers. They tell you they have a problem, but expect you to fix it. --- onchow99

Sticks and stones may break my bones but chains and whips excite me. --- Megan

If you soak a raisin in water will it turn back into a grape??

--- bailey_kay12

Why do we say we are head over heels happy?? Isn't that how we usually are??

--- bailey_kay12

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. “Alright, get in the basket.” --- Leidy

A friend will visit u in jail... but a best friend will BLOW UP THE WALL & yell "get in the van!"

--- Brianna_Sawgged_Up!

I may be left handed but I'm always right. --- kenny g

I wish Facebook shows when someone unfriends me so I can like it. --- worstnightmare

Funny Quotes Pictures

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Groucho Marx

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

Erma Bombeck

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

George Bernard Shaw

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

Bob Hope

A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.

Kevin Nealon

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

Yogi Berra

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."

Claude Pepper

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Lana Turner

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Jerry Seinfeld

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

Bill Cosby

All men are equal before fish.

Herbert Hoover

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

Casey Stengel

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

Bill Cosby

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

Hedy Lamarr

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Groucho Marx

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Buddy Hackett

As I get older, I just prefer to knit.

Tracey Ullman

Be obscure clearly.

E. B. White

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.

P. J. O'Rourke

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Jim Carrey

Funny Sayings Pictures

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his bus.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Never lend books, for no one ever returns them. The only books I have in my library are books that other folks have leant me.

Accomplishing the impossible only means that the boss will add it to your regular duties.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss's job.

Employer: "I'm looking for a part time Girl-Friday. Are you interested?"

Applicant: "No, thanks. I'm all girl seven days a week!"

You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

If you trust Google more than your doctor then maybe it's time to switch doctors.

Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won't cure a cold.

The doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

Doctors are the same as lawyers; the only difference is

Do not steal ... The government hates competition.

Funny Quotes 1

Men are like dogs - return again and again. Women are like cats - once scold them and go.

Funny Sayings