Funny Quotes and Sayings

Funny Quotes and Sayings Pictures

That awkward moment when you make a noise from your mouth and somebody thinks it was a fart. --- Keeven_Cable

Girls are like computers. They tell you they have a problem, but expect you to fix it. --- onchow99

Sticks and stones may break my bones but chains and whips excite me. --- Megan

If you soak a raisin in water will it turn back into a grape??

--- bailey_kay12

Why do we say we are head over heels happy?? Isn't that how we usually are??

--- bailey_kay12

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. “Alright, get in the basket.” --- Leidy

A friend will visit u in jail... but a best friend will BLOW UP THE WALL & yell "get in the van!"

--- Brianna_Sawgged_Up!

I may be left handed but I'm always right. --- kenny g

I wish Facebook shows when someone unfriends me so I can like it. --- worstnightmare

Funny Quotes Pictures

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Groucho Marx

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

Erma Bombeck

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

George Bernard Shaw

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

Bob Hope

A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.

Kevin Nealon

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

Yogi Berra

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."

Claude Pepper

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Lana Turner

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Jerry Seinfeld

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

Bill Cosby

All men are equal before fish.

Herbert Hoover

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

Casey Stengel

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

Bill Cosby

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

Hedy Lamarr

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Groucho Marx

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Buddy Hackett

As I get older, I just prefer to knit.

Tracey Ullman

Be obscure clearly.

E. B. White

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.

P. J. O'Rourke

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Jim Carrey

Funny Sayings Pictures

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his bus.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Never lend books, for no one ever returns them. The only books I have in my library are books that other folks have leant me.

Accomplishing the impossible only means that the boss will add it to your regular duties.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss's job.

Employer: "I'm looking for a part time Girl-Friday. Are you interested?"

Applicant: "No, thanks. I'm all girl seven days a week!"

You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

If you trust Google more than your doctor then maybe it's time to switch doctors.

Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won't cure a cold.

The doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

Doctors are the same as lawyers; the only difference is

Do not steal ... The government hates competition.

Funny Quotes 1

Men are like dogs - return again and again. Women are like cats - once scold them and go.

Funny Sayings

Sclerosis is a disease of intellectuals, because he does not jerk you remember!

Funny Quotes